It’s a pretty pair of jeans; streamlined and figure sculpting. The fabric is soft, stretchy – definitely at least 40% spandex; jeans you could live in. They sit perfectly on the swell of the hips … of a mannequin.

“You’re going to love living in these,” I promise myself stoutly as I grab a pair and rush off in the general direction of the fitting rooms. Within minutes it becomes clear that the jeans and I are off to a lousy start. I’m not feeling the love. If I proceed with my purchase, it’s going to be an abusive relationship. What I need is a bulge-shrinker. Shouldn’t these stores be selling those alongside regular clothing? Kinda like they do on Amazon where when you buy something they right away suggest accessories … “The people who bought this also bought that,” … type of thing.

On my way home, I console myself that being stretched and expanded over three pregnancies, one of which cleared 42 weeks and yielded an 8 lb, 21 1/5 inch long baby, has its consequences. Throw in ageing and gravity and the outcome is sobering to say the least.

On the radio, a celebrity chatterbox explains that Heidi Klum, 40, doesn’t do gravity.
She strut the catwalk just six weeks after delivering her baby.

I drove eight days after a C-section. Does that count?

I turn the dial. NPR has better news. The Mayo Clinic has found that dangling a bribe can make a person lose weight.

I’m in. It’s not that I have excessive weight to shed – just 10 lbs – but they’ve attached themselves to parts of me that have resolutely repelled diet or exercise. Maybe they’ll respond to money. That’s right, incentivize me.

To be clear, the news caster reminds me, you’d have to do more than just respond to the dangle. You have to make good lifestyle choices as well.

DAMN.

I walk into the house and head straight for the pantry, break off a large chunk of dark chocolate and munch.
“What are you eating?” my husband asks.
“Good life style choices,” I say.
“Sure,” he says smiling indulgently and pokes me in the middle. I watch in dismay as his finger disappears into the pudge.
Gravity hurts.